The first thing I noticed was the cold.
Not the kind that creeps into your bones on a winter morning, but a surgical cold. Clean. Artificial. The kind that smells faintly of disinfectant and metal and makes every sound feel louder than it should.
My wife was holding my hand.
Nicole’s fingers were cool but steady, her thumb brushing slow, reassuring circles against my knuckles as we waited under the fluorescent lights. The ceiling tiles above me blurred into pale squares as a nurse adjusted something near my shoulder.
“You’re going to be just fine,” Nicole said softly. “I’ll be right here the whole time.”
I nodded. I wanted to believe her. I did believe her. At least, that’s what I told myself in that moment.
The anesthesiologist leaned into my field of vision, her voice calm and practiced. She explained conscious sedation again, the same way she had in pre-op. Awake but relaxed. No pain. You may hear things.
I remember thinking, Fine. I’ve sat through zoning board meetings that lasted four hours. I can handle a little chatter.
The medication slid into my IV, a spreading heaviness that pinned my arms and legs without fully turning the lights off. My eyelids drooped, vision tunneling, but my mind stayed awake. Alert. Trapped.
That’s when I heard the surgeon’s voice.
Dr. Julian Mercer.
Low. Controlled. Careful.
“Lindsay,” he murmured, somewhere near my right side. “The envelope. Make sure his wife gets it after we’re done.”
A pause.
“He can’t know,” Mercer added. “No one can.”
My heart slammed so hard I thought it would tear free of my ribs. The monitor above me answered with a sudden spike, its rhythmic beeping accelerating.
The nurse’s voice dropped to a whisper. “Mrs. Brennan knows it’s coming.”
“I know,” Mercer said. “Just make sure he doesn’t see it.”
A chill ran through me that had nothing to do with the operating room.
I tried to move. Tried to open my mouth. Tried to say What envelope? or What the hell are you talking about?
Nothing happened.
My body didn’t respond. My tongue felt like it weighed fifty pounds. Panic clawed up my throat, sharp and suffocating, while my mind screamed inside a body that refused to obey.
So I did the only thing I could.
I stayed perfectly still.
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